welcome to the war on terror (lesson 1)
Here's how all good announcements about terrorism should be framed:
British police said on Thursday they have thwarted a plot to blow up aircraft in mid-flight, arresting a number of people in the London area.
Police said the aim of the plot was to detonate bombs smuggled on board aircraft in hand luggage.
"A major terrorist plot to allegedly blow up aircraft in mid-flight has been disrupted in a joint, pre-planned, intelligence-led operation by the metropolitan police anti-terrorist branch and security services," a police spokesman said.
He said police believes that the intention was particularly to target flights from Britain to the United States.
Police had arrested an unspecified number of people in London during the night. He gave no further details.
point one: All plots must be major, minor ones would just annoy the already easily annoyed public, no one would take you seriously if you arrest someone for trying to blow up a can of soup, no matter how delicious.
Point two: the plot must be thwarted, not stopped, nor desisted, nor should you get there just a bit afterwards and shout "ah ha! oh bugger." You can interupt a plot if no plot can be found and you suspect that they planning upon making a plot for you to thwart. Remember a thwart is not simply something that goes through your head and just because you were wrong about your intial reasons for arrest, you cant say a plot has been unthwarted.
Point three: make sure you explain what the plot that you thwarted was, go into graphic detail about theoutcome if possible, and give the worst case scenario, otherwise you may be dismissed as having thwarted a minor plot. If the plotter thwarted has plane tickets or travel brochures, this is a dead give away that they will blow up a plane, or hotel, or sauna, if they have a car or a scooter, its a bridge or a motorshow, a jumbo size tin of housebleach could easily blow up half of a nation if used just right
point four: dont forget to arrest a large, but totally unspecified number of people in and around the area of the arrest. The more the better, you have anything up to a month to realease them and they will be arrested for breach of national security if they even mention that they have been arrested, so have fun, you can do no wrong. Whatever you do, dont forget to make arrests and if the orginal charges are thrown out, look around for some playboy's or any embarressing porn, then charge them for that, better yet, charge them having kiddie porn, sure its a 1978 edition of Pure Tit Parade, but they have to then prove that all the models are over 18 and gave persission for their images to appear in the mag, and the "thwarted" terrorist will be way embarressed enough to not fight the charge that will appear in court 12 months to 5 years later.
point five: dont answer reporters questions, give no details beyond those you want to give, its all national sercurity, so the press can just go fuck themselves and get back to finding out wether Paris Hilton is wearing underwear which is what they do best.
point 6: remember that "intentions" are things that are lining the road to hell, and difficult to disprove. If the "thwarted" have ever thwart of anything bad, this is not good and can be covered by the security provisons of any good terrorist act snuck through parliment in the dead of night. "Have you ever thought of some object blowing up or watched a video in which you thought some object may be blown up with the express purpose of watching the object blow up and killing many, many innocent people? Just a yes or no answer, Mr Thwarted, or we shall have to close the court..oh the court is in camera, I thought that meant we were going to be on tv, damn I wore my best suit..."
point 7: always get a special branch of the police or army to do the raids, it makes the footage a hell of a lot more dramatic if two hundred heavily armed men in bio hazard uniforms with six machine guns strung from loaded bandoleers break drag semi naked people out of a building. The public assume guilt (and majorosity) by the number of teams doing the raid.
point 8: never mention that your previous six or seven pronouncements on "major Thwarts" were all shown to be complete bullshit, dont even hint at it, both press and public prefer it that way, makes them feel safer.
point 9: for gods sake, make sure that the proceedings in the court are held in secret with no nosey journalist around, and make sure that you let the defence know that thier comments on the proceedings would put them in breach of a provision in the law, which you would show them without a court warrant, but cant because court warrants to get the provison of court warrants to see the provions are a matter of national security. Here is a recent example of how not to do it:
Detective: I'm no terror expert
Age, August 10, 2006 - 12:13Pm
A detective involved in the prosecution of 13 accused terrorists has told a court he gleaned much of his knowledge of terrorism from the internet and admits he's no expert on the subject.
Under cross-examination, Det Snr Const Thomas said websites, a "basic" two-week course and conversations with others formed the basis of his knowledge on terrorism.
"The only knowledge that you've got into (the) thinking of an extremist is to browse websites?", asked Greg Barnes, the lawyer acting for one of the accused.
The witness replied: "Perusing websites yes ... I have done courses in counter-terrorism".
"By absolutely no means whatsoever do I call myself any type of expert on it," Det Snr Const Thomas said.
The witness said he had used internet resources like Google and Wikipedia to research terrorism and Muslim extremists.
He also searched the Islamic news website Al Jazeera.
"I keep a very open mind on any website I look at, I certainly don't take anything as gospel ... it's all knowledge gained, it's like any book you read, I suppose," Det Sen Const Thomas.
Without the intrusion of the press you could have easily walked outside and proclaimed that one of the worlds leading experts on terrorism, with many years of personal experience and a deep understanding of these issues, backed by worldwide research, has declared that a major plot has been thwarted. Now doesnt that read a lot better in the press than the truth.
point ten: where ever possible say the word "alqueda", seems to work like a charm, bit like abracadabra at a magic show, dont say "al squida" or "al squasha" these are a spanish delacacies and unlikely to scare anyone but skittish vegetarians.
point 11: facts are for a jury to decide, so feel free to make up anything you like and let 12 shitscared man and women, good and true decide what ever they feel is possible. 80% believe that the world has been visited by aliens and an unknown percentage think the tooth fairy is a practicing orthodontist, so you cannot look foolish no matter how stupid the "plot" you thwarted was. Hell they just arrested a bunch of loons in the US who never even been to the city the authorities claimed they were going to blow up and none of them even had the faintest idea of how to make explosives until an undercover cop showed them how, so go on, have fun, make your own day.
British police said on Thursday they have thwarted a plot to blow up aircraft in mid-flight, arresting a number of people in the London area.
Police said the aim of the plot was to detonate bombs smuggled on board aircraft in hand luggage.
"A major terrorist plot to allegedly blow up aircraft in mid-flight has been disrupted in a joint, pre-planned, intelligence-led operation by the metropolitan police anti-terrorist branch and security services," a police spokesman said.
He said police believes that the intention was particularly to target flights from Britain to the United States.
Police had arrested an unspecified number of people in London during the night. He gave no further details.
point one: All plots must be major, minor ones would just annoy the already easily annoyed public, no one would take you seriously if you arrest someone for trying to blow up a can of soup, no matter how delicious.
Point two: the plot must be thwarted, not stopped, nor desisted, nor should you get there just a bit afterwards and shout "ah ha! oh bugger." You can interupt a plot if no plot can be found and you suspect that they planning upon making a plot for you to thwart. Remember a thwart is not simply something that goes through your head and just because you were wrong about your intial reasons for arrest, you cant say a plot has been unthwarted.
Point three: make sure you explain what the plot that you thwarted was, go into graphic detail about theoutcome if possible, and give the worst case scenario, otherwise you may be dismissed as having thwarted a minor plot. If the plotter thwarted has plane tickets or travel brochures, this is a dead give away that they will blow up a plane, or hotel, or sauna, if they have a car or a scooter, its a bridge or a motorshow, a jumbo size tin of housebleach could easily blow up half of a nation if used just right
point four: dont forget to arrest a large, but totally unspecified number of people in and around the area of the arrest. The more the better, you have anything up to a month to realease them and they will be arrested for breach of national security if they even mention that they have been arrested, so have fun, you can do no wrong. Whatever you do, dont forget to make arrests and if the orginal charges are thrown out, look around for some playboy's or any embarressing porn, then charge them for that, better yet, charge them having kiddie porn, sure its a 1978 edition of Pure Tit Parade, but they have to then prove that all the models are over 18 and gave persission for their images to appear in the mag, and the "thwarted" terrorist will be way embarressed enough to not fight the charge that will appear in court 12 months to 5 years later.
point five: dont answer reporters questions, give no details beyond those you want to give, its all national sercurity, so the press can just go fuck themselves and get back to finding out wether Paris Hilton is wearing underwear which is what they do best.
point 6: remember that "intentions" are things that are lining the road to hell, and difficult to disprove. If the "thwarted" have ever thwart of anything bad, this is not good and can be covered by the security provisons of any good terrorist act snuck through parliment in the dead of night. "Have you ever thought of some object blowing up or watched a video in which you thought some object may be blown up with the express purpose of watching the object blow up and killing many, many innocent people? Just a yes or no answer, Mr Thwarted, or we shall have to close the court..oh the court is in camera, I thought that meant we were going to be on tv, damn I wore my best suit..."
point 7: always get a special branch of the police or army to do the raids, it makes the footage a hell of a lot more dramatic if two hundred heavily armed men in bio hazard uniforms with six machine guns strung from loaded bandoleers break drag semi naked people out of a building. The public assume guilt (and majorosity) by the number of teams doing the raid.
point 8: never mention that your previous six or seven pronouncements on "major Thwarts" were all shown to be complete bullshit, dont even hint at it, both press and public prefer it that way, makes them feel safer.
point 9: for gods sake, make sure that the proceedings in the court are held in secret with no nosey journalist around, and make sure that you let the defence know that thier comments on the proceedings would put them in breach of a provision in the law, which you would show them without a court warrant, but cant because court warrants to get the provison of court warrants to see the provions are a matter of national security. Here is a recent example of how not to do it:
Detective: I'm no terror expert
Age, August 10, 2006 - 12:13Pm
A detective involved in the prosecution of 13 accused terrorists has told a court he gleaned much of his knowledge of terrorism from the internet and admits he's no expert on the subject.
Under cross-examination, Det Snr Const Thomas said websites, a "basic" two-week course and conversations with others formed the basis of his knowledge on terrorism.
"The only knowledge that you've got into (the) thinking of an extremist is to browse websites?", asked Greg Barnes, the lawyer acting for one of the accused.
The witness replied: "Perusing websites yes ... I have done courses in counter-terrorism".
"By absolutely no means whatsoever do I call myself any type of expert on it," Det Snr Const Thomas said.
The witness said he had used internet resources like Google and Wikipedia to research terrorism and Muslim extremists.
He also searched the Islamic news website Al Jazeera.
"I keep a very open mind on any website I look at, I certainly don't take anything as gospel ... it's all knowledge gained, it's like any book you read, I suppose," Det Sen Const Thomas.
Without the intrusion of the press you could have easily walked outside and proclaimed that one of the worlds leading experts on terrorism, with many years of personal experience and a deep understanding of these issues, backed by worldwide research, has declared that a major plot has been thwarted. Now doesnt that read a lot better in the press than the truth.
point ten: where ever possible say the word "alqueda", seems to work like a charm, bit like abracadabra at a magic show, dont say "al squida" or "al squasha" these are a spanish delacacies and unlikely to scare anyone but skittish vegetarians.
point 11: facts are for a jury to decide, so feel free to make up anything you like and let 12 shitscared man and women, good and true decide what ever they feel is possible. 80% believe that the world has been visited by aliens and an unknown percentage think the tooth fairy is a practicing orthodontist, so you cannot look foolish no matter how stupid the "plot" you thwarted was. Hell they just arrested a bunch of loons in the US who never even been to the city the authorities claimed they were going to blow up and none of them even had the faintest idea of how to make explosives until an undercover cop showed them how, so go on, have fun, make your own day.
posted by the bluhamster at 1:32 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home