ten commandments

Now that women drivers have been "proven" to be better at driving than men, I am forced by circumstances to expose the underpinnings of society and reveal the truth about why the ten comandments are useless in a secular society. There cant be a god, why would he allow scientists to study such things?

1/ I am the LORD; thou shalt not have any other Gods.

a little restrictive on bhuddists, zorastrians, hindus and any non-monothesists. Not much fun for athiests either, but then fun is not why we're in the non-diety business, fun is something you have with creationists and trying to pack an ark with kangaroos of many hues. Also christians may want to reconsider wether Jesus was god or not, if you can only have the one, is he it, and if he is, how can God be killed? What about the holy ghost, what the hell is he/and/or she, eh? Never give protoplasim your pin number or credit card. Trust me on this, I drink heavily, so know of what i speak.

2/Thou shalt not make any image of me, bow to it or worship it.

christ on a cross!!! Thats gonna put some icon makers outa work and completly fuck up a few churches, not to mention the cost of remodeling the Sisteen Chapel. What about those very luxurious statues of the long haired, phillipino S and M guy in those ancient speedos who's always at the front of most christian churches, kinky or what? I refuse to bow down before that one, looking up someones loin cloth can get you arrested on public transport, so would you do it in a place of worship? Ok, sure you would, if it were an underage japanese schoolgirl up there, but now where just getting into my personal problems with this and several other laws. Fcuk communty service and their petty friggin greivances.

then again you could go for the laterday christian version, rather than the traditional version:

You shall not make for yourself an idol, whether in the form of anything that is in heaven above, or that is on the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth. You shall not bow down to them or worship them; for I the LORD your God am a jealous God, punishing children for the iniquity of parents, to the third and fourth generation of those who reject me, but showing steadfast love to the thousandth generation of those who love me and keep my commandments."

Jealous, did he say jealous, what the fuck has god got to be jealous about, cant be penis envy, cant be because his neighbour just bought a new datsun 120y. Its also a little restrictive for many of the decorative arts or those who see images of Jesus in their pancakes, coz if you do, and you even think of worshiping that delicious maple laden treat, you, your children, your childrens children and their little terrors are in for a rough time. Despite the fact that elsewhere, he mentions that you shouldnt punish the children for the sins of the father, he is a bastard to follow when he has had a few.

I also think that seeing and worshiping idols in foodstuffs is covered by the UN charter on human rights, under the smallgoods and misc section.

3/ "You shall not make wrongful use of the name of the LORD your God, for the LORD will not acquit anyone who misuses his name."

Im rightly fucked, and its no use calling out anything about freedom of speech with this one, stubb your toe on an archbisop and say "goddamnitt!" and you are as rightly poked in the arse by Satans prong as I am going to be all eternity. There is no way out, just once and you are outa here and down there. No mention of parole either, I think I will take this up with someone, maybe right a letter to one of the Popes or someone who will lend me money for a good lawyer, not that cheap drunken bastard I always go to, Christ he is...oh shit...

4/"Observe the sabbath day and keep it holy, as the LORD your God commanded you. Six days you shall labor and do all your work. But the seventh day is a sabbath to the LORD your God; you shall not do any work—you, or your son or your daughter, or your male or female slave, or your ox or your donkey, or any of your livestock, or the resident alien in your towns, so that your male and female slave may rest as well as you. Remember that you were a slave in the land of Egypt, and the LORD your God brought you out from there with a mighty hand and an outstretched arm; therefore the LORD your God commanded you to keep the sabbath day."

Friggin workchoices, all my slaves and my donkey work on the Sabbath, their ABA's stipulate it. So what do I choose, my god or my Prime Minister, who can do the most to scare me, God may have hell and a big arm, but Howard will interupt me with a million ads during my favourite TV shows telling my ox that he is so much better off now that he can work sundays for no more than he gets on monday. This scares me, but my donkey looks very relaxed and comfortable, must remember where I put that whip.

I must say that if I have been to egypt, I was must have been in a very drunken tour group, coz I have checked through the photos of the last trip, not a pyramid in sight, so I have no idea where this God gets his info about me, or what he is saying about me behind my back.

5/"Honor your father and your mother, as the LORD your God commanded you, so that your days may be long and that it may go well with you in the land that the LORD your God is giving you."

He has clearly neer met my parents, they are total cunts, absolute and total, and I say that in the nicest possible way, but thats very hard to do with complete cunts. Also means that incest laws are very anti god, doesnt it?

6/ "You shall not murder."

seems like the one that anyone could follow, but it has so many caveats and lets face it, God doesnt take much notice of this one, eh Abraham. And whats murder these days, just an extroverted suicide or a posting to Iraq.

7/ "Neither shall you commit adultery."

ok, does viewing my favourite porn dvd fall under this heading? What about one of my lessor, more sort of M rated ones, or when I wave my camera phone below my knees in a crowded tram?And if Im not married and my girlfriend has this really hot friend who just drops over one night and asks if she can wait while my GF gets home from work and we have a few drinks, coz the woman is habitually late, and well she leans over in that short skirt of hers and asks, "see anything you like?", and Im like, "well, Ive always been a big fan of that brand of silk gstrings, Donna Karan if Im not mistaken, and Brazil is one of my seventy favourite countries, so...in short, a definite maybe on that one, but I could need a second opinion" I am only human, sure I may have some part igunana, but when this happens, well, Im not ..is there wiggle room?

8/"Neither shall you steal."

However can you expropriate, comandeer, shanghai, seize or scam someone outa that PSP2 or object of similar ilk? Isnt taxation without representation theft? Well I fell very under represented with the current crop of misanthropic bozo's running the world into their own personal ground zero. I always find that copyright trailer on DVD's asking you "you wouldnt steal a car?" a little misguided, coz quite frankly I would if I knew how, there are so many damn cars just lieing around in the streets, doing sweet fuck all after I leave the pub, and if someone could show me how to hotwire, I would always have a lift home and never need to worry about keeping aside cab fare. One last beer(s) or jump in a cab? No fuck it, its a coat hanger and magic fingers time.

Howard has stolen at least two elections, will he really go to hell for that. He looks quite comfortable with the notion, even if Im not.

9/"Neither shall you bear false witness against your neighbor."

But against that bitch in accounting who I accused of stealing the copy machine, that ok? She lives in Glen Iris, which is many suburbs and an entire river away. What about Dick Cheney, I mean, for fuks sake, he is still bangin on about the Saddam/Osama/911 conection despite being told a thousand times by anybody with an once of sense that it is complete bullshit, and he owns Afghanistan and Iraq now, so all afghanis and Iraqi's are his neighbour, technically. Does that count? Let me zerox the ways, take that Janice, you unemployed bitch!

10/ "Neither shall you covet your neighbour's wife."

One on the left of my house if a bit of minga, so no worries there, but on the right, on a cloudless night with my binoculars, when she is showering, well, I may fall afoul of this one, just a bit. Is it ok to cover thy nieghbours wife, if its cold and you have a spare blanket, or its raining and you are the only one with an umbrella> If thats the case, its only one letter off, are we just playing semantic games here. thats pretty cheep and petty, even for a diety.

11/ "Neither shall you desire your neighbor's house, or field, or male or female slave, or ox, or donkey, or anything that belongs to your neighbor."

bang there goes all of captialism and the advertising industry. Also it adds up to 11, so feel free to ignore one of your least favourite commandments, my choice is probably the one about stealing, as I have always wanted to hoon down the street in a hotted up whatever, knowing that the power of the hotwire is within. Hotwire my heart, although technically this is in breach of one of the other commandments, and a truly useless pickup line outside of a Grand Prix or a Bathurst weekend.

I have also just been reliably informed that slavery is illegal, has been since the 1970, what kind of god doesnt keep up to date with the laws of the land. Remember big guy, ignorance is no excuse, as a magistrate once told me.