leaping joyfully into the abyss

PM Puffy Nipples, our ragin stallion of porn and war, let out a bellow as the viagra kicked in, he began to hump the closest object, a box of flares. Predictable results, an emergency landing and his raging erection is camoflaged by his ever present detail of SAS minders, all of whom knew the drill and had more than once had to sheild a clearly fatigued Mrs PM Puffy Nipples from the prying eyes of the media after a torid session as her hubbys limpid lovebag.

This is what happens when your closest freinds are porn merchants and giant sized sleaze bags, it rubs off in the most peculiar of ways, when PM PN vacates the lodge, the empty pill packets and giant dildos will need to be retrieved from all those secret nooks and cranies. Rudd will need a detail of a least a dozen undercover black bag types who specialise in keeping secrets until death to avoid the international scandal that would ensue if all the dirt were to emerge in one big sodden lump.

Those odd rings bolted into the walls and floor of all Puffy's offical apartments will require a major refit, and the one way mirrors where the ugly couplings of Pyne and Abbot have been secretly filmed, these will have concrete poured into them to obliterate all evidence of a less than moral majority inspired relationship. A pity, I have seen some of the excerpts and they make for an interesting chapter in the secret mens business of high government jockeying for position, I could not count the number of times that young Mr Pyne had to be revived during one torid session, but I have bought a defribulator and a swag of clear plastic bags in the unlikely event that he should decide to do a little door to door politiking in my area. Oh and a ten litre jar of lubricant, you can never be to careful when he hikes those pants up around his neck and does the duck waddle, but i digress as you will never get to see what is offically known as "commercial in confidence" footage, unless you live for the next 99 years when all shall become public. and immortality a true curse.

What does any this have to do with the anniversary of the blossoming of freedom that could be valiantly described as Iraq (or mutilated parts therein). Many, many things, some so shameful that I would be obliged to burn the entire internet if I had the words to clearly articulate them. Sufice to say, keeping ones eye on the ball is an old football adage that takes on a new and more disturbing meaning with the present incumbents of the lodge. Is it enough to simply mouth the exact same words, year after year, in the hope that no one notices that you havent been anywhere near your office in over twelve months, and that you are simply recycling speeches given to apathetic audiences for so long that a hologram could do your job equally as well. Probably not, but thats what we have, words which were clearly wrong and not applicable to the current "situation" in Iraq are about to be uttered in all seriousness, yet again and no doubt will be muttered adnasuem as the anniversary cake is cut with the dismembered orphans hand PM Puffy went to Iraq to retrieve just for this special purpose.

"if we dont fight them there, we will need to fight them here" as though the Iraqi swimming team had a swimming pool to practice in, or their navy didnt consist of the US Gulf fleet.

"things are going ever so well over there", was used once in 2003 during the war and has become a staple of these speeches, espcially when coupled with the lines about "democracy flourishing" and the several million bewildered Iraqi's who "bravely voted" for some people they had never heard of before they were forced into those booths on the pretext that they contained Kinder Suprises (unlike Iraqi versions which explode and the suprise is getting your legs sewn back on).

"The Americans wont like us anymore" plays well at the National Party meetings, but is getting less and less laughs at Puffy's usual standup gigs since the Americans in the guise of Spiro Agnew impersonator, Roarpascious Dumpin Dick Cheny, let the cat out of the bag and said "we would love ya, no matter what (conditions apply, see Tiawan/china), me little jumbuck digger mates". Admmitedly he did bite the head off a seal while saying that, but I have been assured that is just his "way".

"We are commited" means the same as, we havent been in the office for a long while, so see no reason to pick up the mail and you cant get me on the phone if I refuse to answer. It just means that whatever they were doing three years ago, they will keep on doing, whatever it was, Im sure its good otherwise, why would we have done it three years ago. I congratulate anyone, who regardless of the outcome, does the exact same thing, year in, year out, I learnt chinese by rote and can still only talk in concrete sentences of painful exactatude when ordering at resturants, by this means I have come to adore sweet and sour bulls testicles.

"we may see some real hope emerging" of the Iraqi's "fending for themselves", of course we may not and that should be completly ignored, but we "cant stand down, til the Iraqis stand up" but then when the Iraqi's do stand up they get shot by americans who refuse to kneel unless in a goodly christian church or when in line at a greenzone burger king, so despite the hopelessness, there is a glimmer that hope may be reinserted into the Arabic dictionary without the upside down smiley emoticon that currently fills that space.

As for the orginal estimate that our presence in Iraq would be over in a few months, well think about it, those few months did not have a year attached, nor is it possible to be in tomorrow, so it is still a truth, a Freidmanesque styled truth, to these oft repeated words. Puffy knows this, so why dont you? You will when you reach tomorrow knowing that tomrrow never comes, so you will never really know, except he does, because as the PM he has access to all manner of classified equipment that makes time travel as easy as making bullshit pronouncements about the future. Like watching the bizzarre heavily lubricated contorions of the Pyne/Abbot trysts through the safetly of two way mirrors, its all part of the perks of being PM.

So far the only new word inserted into Puffy's speeches is "Iran", and this was done in the last few months when one of the PM's staffers noticed that it was indeed in the general vicinty of Iraq, all part of the newly updated library of parliament where they have replaced the pre-1923 atlas with a globe bought on ebay for the bargain price of $25.00 and fully functional as long as you dont try and twirl if too hard. Surveys and focus groups have acknowledged that many, if not a majority of citzens know what the word "embolden" means, so you just need to add it to "Iran" and then point at the map, works wonders. Change does not come easily to the "electorate", they hate it with a passion focus groups have decided, they hate being called the "electorate" and much prefer their first names at least be used, which they rarely changed, unless in focus groups, when they like being refered to by number. This says so much about "people", but less about what "focus" groups are really focused on.

So with the 4th aniversary of the two month war, we should be thankful, not for what reality holds for us, but for the steadfastness with which our porn king PM holds to ideas that made little sense when he first concreted them into the national psyche, he may not be the brightest star in this new world drenched in smut, but he is by far the man most would prefer not to be locked in a room with while he downs a bottle of viagra. This is his legacy to the world, meaning without consequence and action without apparel.

For Abbot and Pyne, it means more, not less, but who am I to judge when the mirror steams up and the film runs out in the camera.